My oh so poetic poetry

In this moment I sincerely want to die. I don’t want to think , I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to care. I want to be numb...like before, but I can’t get back to that it was only killing me slowly. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, never get out of bed ever again. I wish that at some point during the night I stopped existing. I know people care for me... I know im far from alone. But that doesn’t matter because having people care about me isn’t enough to make me care about the rest of the world...not even enough to care to be part of it, on the contrary, their caring about petty and useless things such as myself.... just convinces me further that in the end it doesn’t matter ... ha! I keep saying in the end... as if It were coming... I know I’ve still got quite a bit of time to waste here...im not off the hook this easily, mostly because I don’t have the courage to do anything about it...and now I indulge in this ridiculously sad...meaningless rant in the hope of appeasing the retarded self loathing I feel...I’m exhausted falling is so much harder than continuing to stand...because once you start falling you see just how far back up you’ll have to climb when comes the time to stand... This is me...in the clearest state of mind I’ve had in a long while. I’ve been sleeping, eating well, getting more exercise. And I hurt. I can’t numb it out anymore...when it was physical exhaustion form lack of sleep my mind could not focus...now it can but it seems to stay focussed on all the things I don’t want to think of... all the things I want to block out... very sorry to play the misunderstood teen but hey, the stereotype had to come from somewhere... at least I’m not ridiculous enough to bitch to everyone...I keep my frustration to myself...when even your closest friends can’t quite understand what you mean...and you don’t know where to turn...you feel like crying on any shoulder withing reaching distance... that’s when stupid things come of it... haven’t done anything stupid... still holding back... but only for so long... I think I need someone to save me now...

The alarm starts blaring, she rolls over onto her back and sighs at the realisation that another day has begun. Hits the snooze button, turns the volume up on the radio alarm that went off just a few minutes earlier. She gets on her knees and half crawls, almost stumbles to the edge of her bed. Falls off the edge, part of her routine, flips open the lid to her laptop pushes the power button and leaves to go to the bathroom.

-Why did I get out of bed? Why do I bother? Tuesday. What’s on Tuesday? Dance. The floor is cold, I should put socks on. Did I take a shower last night? Of course I did. Mm, food... bleh food. Tea... tea is good. Where’s the...? Oh there. Spoon, spoon, sugar? No sugar, honey. What should wear?... Ow... wall. Were did I leave my...?

She walks back in, looks through the pile of clothing that’s been on her floor for the past week. Clean clothing of course; the dirty stuff is in the laundry basket. Picks out a blue shirt, black pants, underwear and sports bra. Sits at her laptop, checks her e-mail. Check the class cancellations. Checks her horoscope. Plays a game of solitaire, then a game of spider solitaire. She takes off her shirt, puts on her sports bra. Walks out of the room.

-My tea... steeped long enough, milk? ....no milk it’s lemon zinger, no milk. What to eat?... maybe I should get my shirt on... in a minute... toast. Where’s the...? No more... maybe in the freezer. Ah bread. Stupid toaster.

Back into her room pulls on the blue shirt, opens the snap buttons except for the last one. Plays another game of solitaire. Sips her cup of tea. Rifles through the pile of clothing, gradually piling the discarded items of clothing onto her bed. Pulls out a sock, pulls out another sock. She sits on the floor pulls on the left sock, stands up and walks out

-Stupid toaster... knife... jam?... no its rye bread just butter. Cheese! Oh I could melt some cheese on the... no then I’d have to use the oven... stupid oven. Plate?...cupboard. Just wash one. Knife...where did?... oh there. Tuesday what’s....? oh yeah dance. Why do I get up so god damn...

Returns, takes of her pyjama pants, takes off her underwear nearly falls down in the process, puts on the clean underwear, puts on the black pants, puts the dirty clothing into the laundry basket near her door. Sits down. Jumps up to turn off her alarm for the second time. Circles herself once to the right, once to the left, picks up the second sock. Puts on the sock while balancing on one foot. Sits down, stares at the wall. Gets up goes to the kitchen.

-Toast?... Here. Tea.?... Oh in my room.

Comes in. Pushes the door open a little further picks up her cup turns around too fast, spills a drop into her dirty laundry basket. Back to the kitchen,

-why is everything blurry...?... oh yeah glasses.

Once again into her bedroom. She steps onto her bed takes two strides kneels down picks up her glasses, puts them on her face stands up bracing herself on the wall by the head of her bed. Turns around takes two strides and steps off her bed.

-What time is..? Shit... hurry up you silly girl... drink, eat, run...forget the toast. Keys...where did I?... right there doofus.. Bus pass, cell phone, bag... shoes which...? the ugly ones... Wallet? Where is my wallet? In my bag... hurry out the door. Stupid door. Lock.... stupid keys... stupid steps...they could at least be even... oh crap... the radio... fuck the radio... so late... why did I get out of bed? Why did I bother... nooooo my laptop. Fuck the laptop its plugged in. What else did I forget?... Bus wait!, even later... damn it’s cold. Stupid bus, so slow. Oh I didn’t brush my teeth... meh... gum. Where’s my bus pass...oh no!...oh wait right there. Thank the inexistent god that there is a seat. Alright, what’s today?...Saturday was the 11^th... so today is the 14^th, February the fourteenth... there is something... Crap, Valentines day. The apex of fake holidays. Stupid excuses, stupid hearts. Class...what floor... 4^th, no, Tuesday 3^rd floor.

Into the dance room, puts down her bag. Takes off her coat. Sits on the floor with the other students. Small talk with the teacher as they wait for the other students. Gets up, does the warm up exercises, stretches, roll down. Practice the choreography for sing sing sing. She forgets what comes after the spin, again, she can never remember what comes after the spin. Runs it through until she gets it right, the pains of being a perfectionist. After the spin, the seven quick steps forward then seven back, three diagonal, three back. Step step, double quick step, together. Finally! What a shame the teacher wasn’t watching. She does it again, messes up after the spin. They go on to the next choreography west side story. Again she can’t remember what comes after the spin. Run through it a few times. She’s told to practice her timing. Class let’s out. Takes her things. Walks out.

.

-Stupid spins... Metro metro metro... today wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be... today was almost ok.... ooh I’m hungry. Mcdonald’s?...no Mcdonald’s bad...I have food at home....wow this bus ride is long... oh still have to go for coffee... I should eat first... soup! I’ll have soup. Keys.. where are..? there are...Shower? Yeah shower... towel?... there towel. Oven on... soup in pot. Hot....no Cold shower.

She steps into the bathroom with her towel. Closes the door, and takes off her shirt, takes off her bra, pants and underwear. Turns on the water and looks at herself in the mirror. Takes off the three piece ring she’s been wearing for the past two years. Picks it back up and puts it back on. Takes off her glasses, puts them on the edge of the sink. Steps into the shower and stares directly at the water hitting her head, hitting her face. Once she is completely wet she takes shampoo in her left hand and lathers it through her hair. Rinses and does the same with the conditioner. Washes herself with the body wash and then face wash... stands in the shower for five minutes more than necessary just letting the water hit her back... head bent down..thinking of everything that happened that day...that week...that past year. It would take more than five minutes to do so, but the though of her soup burning snapped her from her mental dissection of her life up to date. She turns off the water steps out onto the pink bathroom rug, that was once white. Wraps herself in her towel. Picks up her clothing and walk down the "L" shaped hallway to her room.

-Clothes, I go through so many clothes...I need to do laundry this weekend. Bleh... I dress like my sister... gross. Where the hell is my belt?... I bet it’s under the... yeah there it is.

part of an ongoing story,  comments please!

ROOM (part one)

The alarm starts blaring, she rolls over onto her back and sighs at the realisation that another day has begun. Hits the snooze button, turns the volume up on the radio alarm that went off just a few minutes earlier. She gets on her knees and half crawls, almost stumbles to the edge of her bed. Falls off the edge, part of her routine, flips open the lid to her laptop pushes the power button and leaves to go to the bathroom.

Why did I get out of bed? Why do I bother? Tuesday. What’s on Tuesday? Dance. The floor is cold, I should put socks on. Did I take a shower last night? Of course I did. Mm, food... bleh food. Tea... tea is good. Where’s the...? Oh there. Spoon, spoon, sugar? No sugar, honey. What should wear?... Ow... wall. Were did I leave my...?

She walks back in, looks through the pile of clothing that’s been on her floor for the past week. Clean clothing of course; the dirty stuff is in the laundry basket. Picks out a blue shirt, black pants, underwear and sports bra. Sits at her laptop, checks her e-mail. Check the class cancellations. Checks her horoscope. Plays a game of solitaire, then a game of spider solitaire. She takes off her shirt, puts on her sports bra. Walks out of the room.

My tea... steeped long enough, milk? ....no milk it’s lemon zinger, no milk. What to eat?... maybe I should get my shirt on... in a minute... toast. Where’s the...? No more... maybe in the freezer. Ah bread. Stupid toaster.

Back into her room pulls on the blue shirt, opens the snap buttons except for the last one. Plays another game of solitaire. Sips her cup of tea. Rifles through the pile of clothing, gradually piling the discarded items of clothing onto her bed. Pulls out a sock, pulls out another sock. She sits on the floor pulls on the left sock, stands up and walks out

Stupid toaster... knife... jam?... no its rye bread just butter. Cheese! Oh I could melt some cheese on the... no then I’d have to use the oven... stupid oven. Plate?...cupboard. Just wash one. Knife...where did?... oh there. Tuesday what’s....? oh yeah dance. Why do I get up so god damn...

Returns, takes of her pyjama pants, takes off her underwear nearly falls down in the process, puts on the clean underwear, puts on the black pants, puts the dirty clothing into the laundry basket near her door. Sits down. Jumps up to turn off her alarm for the second time. Circles herself once to the right, once to the left, picks up the second sock. Puts on the sock while balancing on one foot. Sits down, stares at the wall. Gets up goes to the kitchen.

Toast?... Here. Tea.?... Oh in my room.

Comes in. Pushes the door open a little further picks up her cup turns around too fast, spills a drop into her dirty laundry basket. Back to the kitchen,

What time is..? Shit... hurry up you silly girl... drink, eat, run...forget the toast. Keys...where did I?... right there doofus.. Bus pass, cell phone, bag... shoes which...? the ugly ones... Wallet? Where is my wallet? In my bag... hurry out the door. Stupid door. Lock.... stupid keys... stupid steps...they could at least be even... oh crap... the radio... fuck the radio... so late... why did I get out of bed? Why did I bother... nooooo my laptop. Fuck the laptop its plugged in. What else did I foget?... Bus wait!, even later... damn it’s cold. Stupid bus, so slow. Oh I didn’t brush my teeth... meh... gum. Where’s my bus pass...oh no!...oh wait right there. Thank the inexistent god that there is a seat.

Lets play a game where everyone is a loser, and the beggars are the choosers where you’re always right even when you know you’re wrong. where the sick can live forever, but if you’re healthy they feed you never. A game in which we live together and are left alone to die. Don’t you realise it’s the game of life, open up you’re eyes and try to ignore the strife. Go to heaven with all your forgiven sins, my single one has done me in. Come on everyone lets play a game where everyone is a loser become a beggar to become a chooser, gather all your things pretty paintings and diamond rings. All you have you have to lose it all gets left behind. Maybe if you try real hard you can be the biggest loser. After all the one who leaves behind the most toys... is still gone.